TL;DR: I honestly don't know what I'm doing but, in saying that, I do.
Originally Written: 28-Nov-2021
Word Count: 760
Read Time: 3 minutes
I have no idea what my IQ is and I would prefer to never know.
All my life, I have been regarded for my ability to understand things better than others.
All my life, I have been sought as a person with answers to the questions of many.
All my life, I have been praised with rewards and affection for having the brain that I have.
But never, in my life, have I been understood as a person who feels lost in their own actions.
What do I mean?
I guess what I'm saying is that being smart helps to cover up a lot. A lot.
Like... a shit ton.
What does being 'smart' get you in life?
It gets you access.
Access to what?
Options are what we get to have when we are given the chance explore more than one path to get to the same destination. The same outcome.
Options are what we take when we pursue an interest available to us.
Options are all I think about.
The quickest way from point A to point B is a straight line.
When we cut through things quickly, it feels easy, it feels good.
When we struggle to get done what we set ourselves to, we feel incompetent.
We feel stupid.
Rather, we feel inept toward the cause of being the kinds of people we wish we were.
What I'm saying here is, in my opinion, no one is stupid. Just ignorant.
Ignorant to the twists, turns, and rabbit holes associated with trying to get to where we want to be.
In life, there are no straight lines to anything we want. Truly.
For with the content we seek, comes the context we must endure to obtain it and hold it and be it.
It's one thing to be a bright kid.
It's another thing to be a bright kid and apply yourself.
Seeking a goal and obtaining it is fun.
The process of becoming the person we want to be is an art in itself.
But what frustrates this mind is the feeling of only being of value because of what I have to give.
To be honest, sometimes I don't feel like giving.
It seems so taboo to say.
But with a brain like mine, I feel compelled to use it to create good in the world.
At least, good in the context of what my mind thinks is good.
When I think of what I think is good, I think about being good to other people.
I think about what it is like to be kind and how to get closer to achieving what that means.
The pursuit of anything doesn't actually achieve what one would call 'meaning' in life.
The meaning we create for ourselves is not found in the result of a process, but in the process itself.
The way through which we accomplish what we want is what defines the meaning we take from the journey when we say we have reached its end.
In the context of my journey, I have learned I am more than what I know.
In the context of what I know, I have learned I know less than what I don't.
In the context of what I don't know, I have yet to learn how to be patient for it to arrive.
For what I am eager to know is how this all works out.
What happens when the maggots have filled my corpse and the last of who remembers me is gone.
Will I matter for what I did?
Or will this have all been for naught?
Hedonism is the antithesis of my best intentions, and yet it seems to call me daily.
I'm not sure what way is the right way, but I know which way I'm going.
It doesn't take a scientist, philosopher, or writer to tell you that, when we go, we go alone.
Alone is something I'm used to.
Alone is something I grew up thinking I would be.
Alone is something I have accepted is what I will ultimately be.
At least at the end.
But, until then, I have the privilege to bring my loving awareness to others that breathe like me.
For I am more than just a brain, I am a heart that beats insane.
I'm not just a warrior meant for fighting, I'm a lover meant for loving.
I'm a cuddler meant for cuddling.
I'm a human, not a robot.
I am me, of which you're not.
In saying so, I distinguish myself as me.
But, in time, me will just be a memory.