Content

I know I can come off as fucking nuts sometimes.

But like - as a bipolar, OCD, INFJ heyoka empath - I cannot help it.

It is in my nature to seem that way.

Now... what the hell did I just say? 

What kinda snowflake crap is this?

Now wait, hold on bro, let me get the door for you. 

But, if you care to know more, let us do a recap.

Bipolar

Definition

Formerly called manic depression, is a mental health condition that causes extreme mood swings that include emotional highs (mania or hypomania) and lows (depression). When you become depressed, you may feel sad or hopeless and lose interest or pleasure in most activities.

How It Feels

The mania: More like megalomania. I develop such blue sky ideas about what I'm doing that I don't see myself for what I'm being.

The depression: Each day becomes grayer and more washed out than the previous. Hard to notice until I'm already coming out of it. I self-isolate physically, mentally, and emotionally.

The in-between: If you've ever been on a roller coaster and tried to savor the view from the top before plummeting to the bottom with your heart in your throat, that is when I achieve a 'normal' day.

What You See

Piggybacking off the roller coaster metaphor, just that. 

The more I try to manage my instability, the more unstable I appear.

OCD

Definition

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a disorder in which people have recurring, unwanted thoughts, ideas or sensations (obsessions) that make them feel driven to do something repetitively (compulsions).

How It Feels

Like I am trapped in a cage that I know I can willingly walk out of but, for some reason, get held back by the incessant need to prepare for what will come when I open it, of which I cannot know of.

What You See

At work: a highly organized individual who excels at project management but fails to lead when it requires standing front and center of their own ideas.

At home: a gamer who can sometimes game a little more than, well, anything else.

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (cPTSD)

Definition

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (complex PTSD, sometimes abbreviated to c-PTSD or CPTSD) is a condition where you experience some symptoms of PTSD along with some additional symptoms, such as: difficulty controlling your emotions. feeling very angry or distrustful towards the world.

Source: Google it.

How It Feels

I am alone. I am alone. I am alone.

What You See

Survival tactics being employed during what would be a simple chance to connect with me over conversation about ourselves.

INFJ

Definition

An Advocate (INFJ) is someone with the Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging personality traits. They tend to approach life with deep thoughtfulness and imagination. Their inner vision, personal values, and a quiet, principled version of humanism guide them in all things.

Advocates are the rarest personality types of all. Still, Advocates leave their mark on the world. They have a deep sense of idealism and integrity, but they aren’t idle dreamers – they take concrete steps to realize their goals and make a lasting impact.

Advocates’ unique combination of personality traits makes them complex and quite versatile. For example, Advocates can speak with great passion and conviction, especially when standing up for their ideals. At other times, however, they may choose to be soft-spoken and understated, preferring to keep the peace rather than challenge others.

Source: Myers-Briggs Personality Types 

How It Feels

It feels like I'd rather help people enact their ideas than really see my own come to fruition. Or maybe that is my idea. Either way, I don't see anything wrong with it.

What You See

A person who is reserved, quiet, stoic even. 

I get easily uncomfortable when I am put on the spot but also doesn't mind having attention on me if it's for the 'right' reasons.

Empath

Definition

Empaths are highly sensitive individuals, who have a keen ability to sense what people around them are thinking and feeling. 

Psychologists may use the term empath to describe a person that experiences a great deal of empathy, often to the point of taking on the pain of others at their own expense.

Source: Google it.

How It Feels

I feel I understand the emotions we paint with very well as I have experienced both 'sides' of the spectrum of feeling. I feel I 'get' where people are coming from very quickly and can help them feel seen through their experience, good or bad.

What You See

The good: I am always willing help people.

The not-so-good: I sacrifice my time to the problems of others over tending to my own needs at times, resulting in situations where I am overextended and emotionally drained by my day.

Heyoka

Definition

The heyoka (heyókȟa, also spelled "haokah," "heyokha") is a kind of sacred clown in the culture of the Sioux (Lakota and Dakota people) of the Great Plains of North America. The heyoka is a contrarian, jester, and satirist, who speaks, moves and reacts in an opposite fashion to the people around them.

Source: Google it.

How It Feels

I feel like how I interact with others is contingent upon the contexts in which I understand them.

I view myself as The Great Mirror. 

One who will subconsciously reconfigure their personality to mirror the energies in their surroundings, constantly shifting and changing.

What You See

Someone with a good customer service attitude that doesn't seem to turn it off when they're not having to work for anything. A shit starter. Pot stirrer. Ego checker.

Narcissism

Is what this all looks like. 

Narcissism, is probably what it is. 

At least to you.

But this is what it feels like, to me, to be me.

This is my human experience of being human.

And the way through I have been able to find myself.

My meta in life.

How... meta.

In this, my nature is clear.

Labels are important to help guide us toward destinations of greater understanding.

Labels are important for what they do for us, but they are not what define us.

When your nature is clear so is your understanding, as they are both one and the same.

In that clarity, all higher perceptions occur.

So if my nature is my understanding, then my understanding is just my nature.

It's me.

I may not be well understood.

But at least I can say.

I understand me.

With that limitation in mind, the extent of what I perceive as free will is to either react or not.

Single-celled organisms can pass on information contained within their own nuclei.

Helping oneself today is helping oneself yesterday is helping oneself tomorrow.

Eternity, in a single moment, is locked in an infinite causality feedback loop.

If you can find the copies of yourself in the world in their own discrete configurations of time and self, pass on your understanding. 

By being irrational, you help others see their own irrationalities.

By helping the one, you help us all.