TL;DR: Shit. What day was it again?
Originally Written: 15-Aug-2021
Word Count: 1123
Read Time: 4 minutes
When I got back with my ex-boyfriend last summer, I thought I had considered the biggest things to consider.
When I got back with my ex-boyfriend last summer, it was the beginning of what I would call the work from home Renaissance.
When I got back with my ex-boyfriend last summer, it was awesome.
And guess what?
Roughly 12 months later, we're doing better than I even thought we would be.
Roughly 12 months later, we're doing things together I had only hoped for in what we affectionately refer to as 'Version 1.0'.
Roughly 12 months later, we're already iterating Version 2.0 to Version 2.1.
I can't think of a nerdier way of calling a milestone, but I also struggle in drawing the line.
When I got back with my ex-boyfriend last summer, I had not considered what our anniversary date would be when the Earth had turned enough.
Do we default back to Version 1? No, let that rest in the past where it belongs. She's seen enough.
Do we shoot for when we were still trying to figure each other out in my San Francisco apartment? Nah.
Not just that, but what the hell do we tell people when they ask us how long we have been together!?
Well, for what it's worth, I can think of a particular day where I came to a clearing in my mind and found something.
What I found was contentment.
It was jarring. At best.
It was me coming to terms with my feelings of still loving the person I had dated since I was 20 in a way that prevented me from meaningfully moving on unless I threw myself back at something I had a role in squandering years ago when Version 1 played out as our waking lives.
It was me giving myself permission to take a second chance. Again.
To dissolve walls built high, with mortar, and sealed shut off from others.
To feel again in ways I didn't think I could even trick myself into feeling.
To feel connected to a person for a change.
I will never be as famous or impactful as great writers like James Baldwin, but I will use my favorite quote of his to demonstrate my point.
"You think...that my life is shameful because my encounters are. And they are. But you should ask yourself why they are.
Why are they—shameful?
Because there is no affection in them, and no joy. It’s like putting an electric plug in a dead socket. Touch, but no contact. All touch, but no contact and no light.”
The light of a screen, the light of an accomplishment, the light of the eyes of others. They mean nothing if I am not standing in the light of a person I admire and respect for the love and attention they give to others.
A person who gives everything they can and seeks to jump on where they see room for improvement.
A person who can sometimes be a little hard on themselves for where they fail to show up for their loved ones.
Because this person is willing to do what it takes to show me they love me. Like love me love me.
There came a time during the summer of last year where things just clicked.
The ugly parts of ourselves are the first places we should be looking if we truly want the answers we seek.
The answers we seek are not something to search for on our way to a conclusion telling us to finally act.
They are something we find as a result of action. It is a consequence of moving into a context unknown to find the truth.
Finding out the truth is only a function of committing to the cause of being authentic with your desires.
Being authentic with your desires means propelling yourself through a moment with sheer gall.
It means taking a risk to say how you really feel about what is before you, in mind or in step, without knowing the result.
Saying how you feel is just that, the result.
It isn't what we build up to or beat around the bush with, it's the point we lead with.
The point of what?
The point of feeling the way we really want to be feeling of course!
Marinating in that feeling, I came to the realization this feeling could not last forever.
When a feeling arises to do something, one must act with urgency and immediacy to address such a feeling.
What my feelings compelled me to do was to document my epiphany, but how?
Do I write it out? No, that will take too long, this idea is fresh and I don't want to slow myself down from expressing.
I'll record it, yeah. A video will help with crystallizing this thought in this moment.
But what would help me ensure I would remember this day in vigor such that I could write about it for years to come?
Well, if I am to do that, I need to color this experience with bold emotions. Fear, excitement, exhilaration.
I'll use Instagram Live. That way, everyone I know will be informed I have a message for them.
And a message I had. Shortly after clicking the button to go live, I announced to my known world that I was dealing with the worst hemorrhoid of my life like it was Parlez-vous français. I was fearless. I was reckless. I was stupid.
And I loved it.
For I was enacting myself henceforward to commit to playing the fool in life.
The fool is always one who is willing to entreat the attention and laughter of many at the expense of the perception of their own character. People pity the fool, they avoid being one, and would do anything to prove they never were.
But we all are at times.
Only moreso when we commit to the cause of taking our next step without decreasing contexts of comfort as we step into realms unknown to find new contexts to explore for ourselves.
And in this context, the realm I find myself in with you is one where I choose to accept where I have unwittingly played the fool to my own causes in life. One where I happily state "I fucked up." with such glee you'd think I was ready for the loony bin.
For I already know it doesn't matter.
I'm still Loony Tunes for you.
I'm proud of you, I'm proud of me, I'm proud of us.
We've done more than we set out to do and I'm excited for what more we have yet to uncover for ourselves.
To one amazing milestone after another,
Happy Version 2.1, Favio.