Originally Written: 29-Dec-2019
Word Count: 359 / 1.2 minutes
They say that when we are expressing depression, we are living in the past and, by contrast, anxiety is living into potential futures.
When you spend life living each moment in constant anticipation, you become a person constantly in fear of experiencing the present.
What the experience of a person with OCD, or at least myself, is like is one where I’m always on the event horizon.
I’m never actually present with my feelings, or at least rarely am. Slowing myself down daily with meditation helps with the chatter, but it is a whole new level trying to bring the peace that comes with the moments where my thoughts are limited to just something about the breath.
I spent a lot of time working towards getting a degree, then a job, then another job, then another degree, then another job, then a series of personal upheavals in thought that smacked me in the face one after another. I got recklessly into drugs as a means for changing my thoughts from anything what I was currently experiencing the second I would land in the moments I craved most for myself. I couldn’t really handle being present because I didn’t honestly believe in getting to this point where I can live life without so much stress.
My current job is stressful as fuck. I can only really make that assessment when I’m fully unwound on a vacation, which I don’t often gift myself. Even then, I cannot resist the urge to pour myself into writing because I crave the stimulation of more intensive thoughts. The monkey mind is still at work.
I used to think my turbulent thoughts were a function of my goals, but they were actually just turbulent thoughts.
You are 100% responsible for how your thoughts are at play at any time, whether you’d like to admit it in certain situations.
It is possible to crack a smile while cleaning up vomit. We just don’t allow ourselves to be the kind of people that would be sage-like in their every moment, but that’s also because we are not all sages.
Our day will come. Now is only now.