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A Surprise, Bitch!


TL;DR: What if the mere act of showing up every day was what it took?

  • Originally Written: 25-Jun-2020

  • Word Count: 699

  • Read Time: 3 minutes


Surprise bitch, it’s me!

Writing on my brother’s birthday instead of calling him like the bum I am. I’ll shoot a text like the jackass I am instead.

Regardless. Where was I?

*clears throat*

Surprise, bitch! You you'd seen the last of me!

Back with a vengeance. Or at least with some inspiration to boot.

Given that, the ego is no different than usual. Clearly. Sorry Steven.

What was the point I was trying to make when I started this whole thing?

The point is - it doesn’t matter - you need to recognize that what you’ve created for yourself over the years is far more than you could have imagined for yourself when you first started the journey.

The point of achieving the holy grail isn’t about actually achieving it. It’s about getting off your ass and actually doing something in the first place.

Then you can say you actually did something instead of talking about what could have been.

My theory on ‘holy grail’ type ideations are that they all sound great, but they aren’t actionable.

They aren’t doing anything tangible in the long scheme of things and, frankly, everyone would save the world yesterday with today’s knowledge if they could. But today you have nothing and yesterday you did nothing so what does that leave you with tomorrow?


Nothing to do.

Nothing to do because you’ve cleared your schedule for writing at last.

Nothing to do, let the music blast!

What was I getting at again?

Oh yeah.


The constant nagging and tugging of thoughts in my mind that seem to cloud me from seeing my next steps clearly.

Clearly is how we see things when the dust has settled.

But, through it all, do we miss ourselves for who we’re actually being when we aren’t representing our best selves?

That’s what I seem to be constantly plagued with. Every thought goes through the same perfectionist tendencies. Every line.

The number of times I rewrote the previous sentence deserves its own sentence below it!


The mark that we leave after everything is said and done is far more important than getting the fucking thing done in the first place because anyone can check a damn box, it’s whether you can do it like Jaida Essence Hall or not!

Don’t let ‘perfect’ get in the way of accomplishing what matters today.

Whether you do a little bit or not. That’s frankly okay.

What matters is that you attempted.

Or bothered.

Or felt.

Because if you remember.

The whole point was to get off the damn couch and do something for a change.

To live a life too.

You don’t have to be anything you don’t want to be.

That is perhaps a lesson I wish I learned sooner than later.

If there’s one thing, I’m a Crowder. We’re stubborn as fuck. We get shit done.

But we don’t really live for ourselves. We live for the ones we love.

We pour our thoughts, emotions, and attention towards each other in ways that can sometimes smother each other with the amount of affection we get.

When the amount of effort we are putting in does not yield the returns we would expect, we are surprised (to be frank).

Those outside of the family, feel free to chime in at this point.

We can be stubborn as fuck. Foolish in our response. Garish with our remarks, yet somehow successful in what social escapades must be endeavored as we brandish our ways forward into the futures we see for ourselves.

I’m annoyed already.

The reality is that nothing is perfect. Literally fucking nothing.

Why? Because ‘perfect’ is a mere construct. Nothing more. It is a standard to compare with.

What standard? Well, the first, of course!

Nothing is as perfect as the original, just ask any real Final Fantasy 7 fan.

If you don't have anything to compare to, then what bounds do you have for knowing what is considered truly great?

For all you know, what you think is the most amazing thing could turn out to be a basic artifact of your generation.

A fault in the programming.

Programming of what?

Life itself.